There is always a kind of uncomfortable silence. It has lingering tension. It makes the simple thing so strained.
Really, in every kind of relationship, conflict arises. But what happens afterwards will shape your whole relationship. Either your relationship will be stronger or grow apart.
Research has actually found that repairing connections after an argument can strengthen them in surprising ways.
I really do believe that repairing the connections after conflicts can strengthen your bond. Maybe I am wrong. But that’s my thinking.
Let’s see those 5 simple but helpful ways to connect after conflict.
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#1. Genuine Apologies
This is the most important thing we should do after conflict. I am not talking about simply saying “sorry” and “explaining things with BUT”.
Here I am talking about the Geniune Apologies.
Recently, I read a book named “Why Won’t You Apologize?” I really liked the idea of the author there.
According to the author, an effective apology does not contain the word “but”. Taking full responsibility is important.
A genuine apology is when someone says sorry and also clearly admits they did something wrong. Then that apology will be better and more satisfying than simply saying sorry.
#2. Schedule a “Reset Conversation” with Ground Rules
We humans are built with emotions.
And we all know that emotions affect our decisions, the way we talk, and our actions. They negatively impact that.
Recently, after conflicts with my groupmates, I made some wrong decisions that negatively affected me. I regretted a lot. But the bus was gone already.
What I mean to say is that trying to solve conflicts immediately may cause more confusion and problems. Because at that time our emotions ran too high.
A better way might be to create a “Reset Conversation Schedule.” It should be with clear guidelines that both will create before hand.
Taking a break may help people solve their problems better. We get too emotional during disagreements. Better to step away for a while and let’s everyone clam down. Take some time. And then try to fix things again with a clearer head.
According to research from Harvard, it shows that pausing during long conflicts makes it more likely that the pepole will reach on the agreements. These breaks give time to relax and think more clearly about the issue.
I will suggest taking at least a 20-minute break during hard conversation. It will give our body enough time to recover from the stress. And you will have better communication.
3. Focus on Understanding Before Solutions
Understanding the POVs is important. Because we all have different POVs, right?
That’s what makes all of us different. And we are all different; we all have different thinking capacities and ways of thinking.
Just say, “Help me understand your perspective.”
This can make a big difference in fixing relationships. When a person feels that he/she is truly understood. Then their is more chance that he/she will put down their defense.
I personally tried this. And it works. Not all the time, but most of the time.
4. Identify and Address the Underlying Needs
Recently, my two sisters had conflict over a very small thing. It was washing dishes.
I talked to both of them. After listening to the elder one, I got to know that it was not about the dishes.
For her, it was about being respected; for her, it has been about recognition of her works.
Her need was to get respected.
This is very well explained by Marshall. According to Marshall Rosenberg’s view. The conflict arises when there is an unmet universal need.
It can be either needs such as respect, autonomy, appreciation, and security.
He showed that conflicts can be viewed as problems with solutions instead of personal attacks when we identify these needs.
5. Create New Positive Experiences Together
My father and I had a small conflict over my suggestion about the new property he wanted to buy. We were not talking properly to each other for two days.
But you know how we talked properly again?
The bookshelf in my home was broken. We changed it. And somehow me and my father were building bookshelves together. We talked again.
And you reminded us that we liked being in each other’s company.
According to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, shared positive experiences create psychological remedies that help in mitigating future conflicts.
So try to create new positive experiences together with the one whom you can about.
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Key Takeaways
- Apologize completely without a “but”; take responsibility for your wrongs.
- Wait 20 minutes to 24 hours, cool off, and let it work and improve the results.
- Create the ground rules and read them out to each other.
- Listen to the other first before fixing the problem.
- Find the real issue behind the argument.
- Always do fun things together so that they can bond again.
- Make others feel heard to make them less defensive.
- Address the core needs—respect, security, and appreciation.
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I hope you enjoyed reading. This blog post comes from what I’ve learned and what I think and believe. Sign up for my Medium newsletter.
Here is my substack in case you want to read more of my works.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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