The Surprising Reason It’s Lonely at the Top

According to Heather Gray, too many smart and successful people buy into the notion that success is ultimately a solo venture and a path that most will have to walk alone.

____

Successful managers and entrepreneurs hear the warnings all the time. It’s lonely at the top. If you’re in business to be successful, you can’t expect to make friends at work because you’ll have to manage them some day. Entrepreneurs are told that loneliness and isolation come with building a business, almost as if solitude is the price of admission into the business world.

This is why few are surprised when they are experiencing professional success that they feel lonely. They’ve been told to expect it, that it comes with the territory of being successful. It doesn’t even occur to them that there is something they can do about it.

Too many smart and successful people buy into the notion that success is ultimately a solo venture and a path that most will have to walk alone. It’s just not true. Your path toward professional fulfillment does not have to be a solo walk if you’re willing to put time and attention into the relationships that are important to you.

Many career professionals, in their climb to the top, have been neglecting their personal relationships. When you’re feeling disconnected and separate from relationships in your personal life, the boundaries and limits of professional relationships are simply felt more intensely.

Success comes with several unnecessary warning labels.

You’re told to expect that your relationships will be compromised. Your partners and spouses have been warned that they’ll never see you. When you miss your kid’s baseball game because you’re working a Saturday morning, you’re encouraged to think about the “big picture.”

You don’t have to “do success” the way everyone else is doing it but you do have to change your perspective and decide what you want your own “big picture” to look like. When you let people outside your circle of family and friends decide for you what success looks like, you’re giving yourself and your life away.

Take a second to take stock of your relationships.

When was the last time you connected with close family members that you might miss or want to touch base with? When was the last time you caught up with a friend? If you’re dating or in a relationship, have you been letting your career become a third party? For those married or committed, where do you and your partner stand? Do you feel close and connected? If you have kids, is your role as a parent what you want it to be?

Obviously, success can’t come without some compromise. You’re going to miss out on time with people and things that are important to you. If, for example, you’re a real estate agent, you’re going to miss a Little League game or two or three while you’re manning Open Houses. It’s likely your kid will be playing while the house hunters are hunting.

♦◊♦

Which compromises are you feeling the most?

Compromise requires us to bend but when we turn ourselves into pretzels because we’ve compromised so much for so long, we start to feel the strain and our relationships do, too.

Where are you feeling the burn? Missing out on family dinner? Missing watching football with the guys? Date nights? Time with the kids?

Stop stopping at the obstacles!

So many people just stop there. They think, “Oh, well, there will be more Little League games.”or “At least when we do finally do get to go for a nice night out, we won’t have to worry about money and the cost of babysitting.”

This is where you can pivot and do things differently.

Don’t just blow off a painful compromise as something you have to swallow. Instead, find the compromise you can live with by getting really clear on what you want and what you need to be fulfilled.

If you are that real estate agent missing your kid’s sports game, you’re not actually mourning the sports game. You’re mourning the time away from your kid and the opportunity to spend time with them doing activities they care about. You might miss every weekend sports game but perhaps you can sign up to be a chaperone on a school field trip instead. There are fewer people house hunting on an errant Wednesday morning.

Your commute may be so stressful that attendance at family dinner night isn’t realistic without adding a pile of stress. Can it be bedtime snack night instead? Family breakfast? Family brunch?

Stop looking at time with people you love as something you have to give away and start figuring out where you can have it.

____

Choosing what you want makes you better at everything.

Problem solving and figuring your way around obstacles can be exhausting and a logistical nightmare. You might be tempted to tell yourself that it isn’t worth the trouble. However, you may not even be aware of the weight you are carrying as you trudge through your work feeling disconnected. You likely have no idea just how heavy these compromises have become until you remove their weight from your shoulders.

When you do get that one on one time with your child, when you do get to connect with your spouse or partner on more than the week’s schedule, you just become better at everything. You’re more present with your colleagues and clients because you’re less resentful of the time they are taking from the people that are important to you. Getting your needs met will give you the energy you need to go the extra step for an important client. Once you get rid of unnecessary dead weight that comes from compromising things that you didn’t need to, you’ll have the energy for new ventures and initiatives.

Make the change now so you can have both the life and career fulfillment you desire.

Need help figuring out where to start? Ask Heather. I’ll feature your question anonymously in an upcoming post!

♦◊♦

Originally published: Choose to Have it All.com

Photo: Getty

____

The post The Surprising Reason It’s Lonely at the Top appeared first on The Good Men Project.